4  | 

I found this helpful Thank You! Your vote will be tallied soon!

Although I didn't know it then, it was easier when they were babies

Last week, The Boy quit Cub Scouts. I let him, but I'm not sure I did the right thing.

See, he didn't quit because he didn't like it. He was all into the activities, camping, sleepovers, songs, games, and all the other kid stuff that, frankly, drives this mommy nuts.

He quit because his former best friend has become a bully. My son says the friend pushes him around, tries to tell him what to do, and is just no fun anymore.

So, The Boy and I talked about how to handle bullies. We discussed how he doesn't have to play with him, and how if he can't resolve the issues with the other boy with calm words, he should go to a teacher or parent and ask for help.

The thing is, my son goes to a very small school. There are only 11 kids in his class; four other boys. In his after school daycare, the bully is the only other boy from his grade. So they have to interact - a lot.

And then in Cub Scouts, again, it's a small group - just five kids in their den. I just couldn't see making my kid constantly deal with a bully in school and daycare, which are not optional, and then make him have to deal with him in his social life, too.

I did try talking to the other kid's mom. She basically told me that my child was equally as wrong and there was nothing she could do about it. But that's not the story I got from the kids' second-grade teacher.

She told me the bully was a troubled kid - he was struggling in school, acting out, not paying attention. She explained that both she and and the child's parents were working together to help him.

And then she said something that broke my heart. "Last week, he (the bully) broke down in tears and told me everyone hated him," the teacher said.

Oh my goodness. What could make a second-grader feel that way? It kills me. And for a moment, I felt ashamed of myself for havng told my son that very morning to play with two other children that I know are nice kids, and not the bully.

I almost took my son aside to tell him to be extra-nice to the bully.

But I didn't.

I'm an adult, and I know how to deal with people who have low self-esteem and act out because of it. My seven-year-old, mature as he is, just doesn't have the emotional strength to take being pushed around and let it roll off his back. He's going to retaliate (which I did explain was wrong, but it's an instinct, I think) and then the problems will escalate. Or worse, my son will learn to let people pick on him, all in the name of not hurting someone else.

Instead, I ask my son daily not only what he learned in school, but how the bully is doing. I ask whether the bully did anything mean to him, and who my son played with at recess. I also ask what the bully did.

I want to teach him compassion...but I also want him to play with nice children who treat him well, and I don't want to let him get pushed around.

I remember bringing The Boy home from the hospital. Every time he moved or made a sound, I looked up in a book what it could possibly mean. At the time, I thought nothing could be more difficult than caring for a baby.

I didn't think about the ambiguity of relationships and the complications that arise from communicating with others who are just learning interpersonal skills. For years, I've felt pretty solid as a parent. The issues my children have faced have been straightforward. But now...where are all the books when I need them?